Ep. 002 / Powerful practices to avoid feeling pressure to people please
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What do you value the most that keeps you feeling aligned, happy, & healthy each day?
We ambitious women have boundless energy. We are creators, we are doers, we are leaders, and we are helpers. Most of the time we can’t sit still, we enjoy being in motion making things happen. We have amazing work ethic, we can juggle a lot at once.
These are just some of our superpowers. But there can be a shadow side to these superpowers such as over exerting and over committing ourselves to things and people that may not be totally aligned with what we really want to do.
This can also be known as a negative form of people pleasing.
In this episode I want to help you learn how to channel your boundless energy into a more productive and healthier way to avoid activating the shadow side of people pleasing. Teresa shares a personal story and three powerful practices she uses to avoid people please.
episode transcript:
We ambitious women have boundless energy. We are creators, we are doers, we are leaders, and we are helpers.
Most of the time we can’t sit still, we enjoy being in motion making things happen.
We have amazing work ethic, we can juggle a lot at once.
These are just some of our superpowers.
But there can be a shadow side to these superpowers such as over exerting and over committing ourselves to things and people that may not be totally aligned with what we really want to do.
This can also be known as a negative form of people pleasing.
In today’s episode I want to help you learn how to channel your boundless energy into a more productive and healthier way to avoid activating the shadow side of people pleasing.
I love to show up for others, I love to help others, and I love making people happy but for a long time I was doing it all from a negative, fearful head space with my inner critic.
Ambitions women that have perfectionism and people pleasing traits tend to set the highest expectations on how they think they show up for others, never wanting to let anyone down but forget to show up for themselves and in turn let themselves down.
Have you ever said yes to your clients, friends or family about going to an event or helping out with something that you know you don’t actually have the time or energy and are already stretched too thin?
And when that day comes for the event, you are dreading going and beating yourself up on why you agreed to go in the first place as you force yourself out the door feeling exhausted?
When someone asks you how you are doing are you ever afraid to answer how you are truly feeling and answer with a smile “I’m good, how are you?”
Feeling anxious with any kind of conflict and always apologizing first or taking the blame because it’s unbearable having anyone upset with you.
Being agreeable or passive or go with the flow to avoid conflict and to be liked in relationships.
Staying too long in toxic relationships and making excuses for the other person’s wrongdoing towards you.
These are just some of the negative traits of people pleasing and are so damaging for our mental and physical health and usually are the main issues that are preventing us from having the success we are desiring in life.
For me people pleasing has been an unconscious fearful behavior I acted out, because I wasn’t allowing myself or didn’t know how to be honest with myself and others, knowing it could risk me disappointing someone and not being like or being seen as vulnerable. Saying no to someone or being honest with how I was feeling used to be the most scariest thing for me.
I want to share a brief story that portrays an example of me acting out people pleasing to avoid feeling my feelings.
When I was 25 years old sadly, my father passed away from pancreatic cancer. It was a really devastating time for me and my family. On the day of my father’s funeral, I greeted the guests at the church door. Instead of honoring the grief and pain I was feeling, I smiled and laughed as I welcomed the guests into the church. I felt pressured to comfort the guests even though it was my own father who had died. Later that day, a family friend came up to me and held me close and said, “Are you okay honey?” She was referring to the smiling and laughing I was doing. I gulped to hold back the tears that were fighting to come through, smiled and responded, “yes I’m fine!”
Smiling has always been a mask I wear to the outside world. Smiling has always felt genuine but also something I used to feel safe. It’s something I developed from a young age to feel safe being around the emotionally unstable adults in my family. If I smiled it made people happy and lightened the mood, I would feel safe again and then could receive the desired connection I wanted and needed from my family. The smiling then carried over to all stages of my life. If I smiled at school I was liked by the other kids, if I smiled at work, I was the desirable employee, if I smiled in my relationships people always wanted to be with me. Don’t get me wrong smiling is wonderful and I love to smile but I did have a very unhealthy relationship managing my true feelings and used the smile as a mask to protect me from any rejection or abandonment of any kind.
What I realized many years later after my dad passed away is that at the time of the funeral I thought if I could laugh and smile my way through all of the trauma, I wouldn’t have to feel the deep pain I was experiencing. It’s what always worked for me. I also didn’t want to be seen as weak, and I wanted to appear perfect and strong even though it would have perfectly healthy and normal for me to be crying and grieving at my dad’s funeral.
If this story resonates with you, I want to offer you three powerful practices I’ve used to avoid slipping into the shadow side of pleasing people. I hope they will help you, too.
Note what triggers you into the shadow side of people pleasing. When are you most likely to people please?
Fear of confrontational situations or people
Desperate to be liked?
Fear of being abandoned or rejected- Relationships
Once you’ve noted what triggers you, you now have this awareness, which is really valuable.
Now you have a choice on how you want to respond to the situation that typically triggers you. The next practice it to Get in touch with what you really need and want in the moment and allow yourself to feel safe to honor it. I’m going to ask you a question right now to consider.
Practice: What do you value most that helps you stay aligned, happy and healthy each day? For me I value personal quiet space to meditate and move my body, I value proper rest, I value time with family and friends and enjoying my work. Anything that is presented to me outside of my values has to pass the value filter test in order for me to say yes. Do you want them to write this down? Or just take a moment to consider this?
I talk more about this in my glow program and our community calls.
Use how you feel as your compass to note when you may be activating the shadow side of people pleasing. Tired, angry, frustrated, edgy…Then this is with their response to #2.
Bonus content from today’s episode I want to share with you free a download of some helpful dialogues you can use to say know without feeling guilty or any causing confrontation. Sign up to receive this free guide and enjoy letting go of the fear that has you putting others first!
