Ep. 003 / Our Inner Critic: The Root of Toxic Productivity & Burnout
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Do you ever get that rush of excitement after you cross off something from your todo list? Or that relief after the long run you weren’t sure if you could do when you started?
Or you finally pushed through some work that kept you up at night worrying about how you would get it done?
And then do you think to yourself, ah now that it’s done, I can finally rest.
For ambitious women being productive is like oxygen to us. Because we have so much creative energy burning inside of us, productivity makes us feel alive, energized, and fulfilled. Not being productive can leave us feeling angry, frustrated, and even depressed sometimes. We are definitely those difficult patients when we are told to rest after an injury, surgery or illness because we can’t sit still and will push our limits even though resting is what we need.
Being productive is a positive wonderful strength to have but can also be damaging if we are being over productive out of fear, never really allowing ourselves to rest until we have accomplished something or earned something. This is what I call Toxic Productivity, and this is what I want to explore with you in today’s episode and give you some helpful tools to help manage it.
episode transcript:
I want to share one of many stories I have of me being in toxic productivity mode. See if you can catch the toxic productivity in the story:
I had just got back to town from a weeklong self-development retreat at The Hoffman Institute where I had been working deeply on my negative thinking and behavior patterns. We weren’t allowed to exercise during the retreat besides taking a light walk. They were helping to remove all coping mechanisms to help you actually feel what you needed to feel to release and heal. But for me not being able to exercise meant I was going to gain weight and not be able to maintain my perfect outward appearance. So my first morning back I woke up thinking to myself: I am going to do a five mile training run followed by a hourlong workout class. I looked at the time and saw if I left right then I could do the trail run and then make it back into town right when barre class was starting.
I dashed out of the house without water or food. As I hit the trail running, I felt such relief almost like if I imagine what a smoker must feel when they take that first inhale off the cigarette. I was running and being able to control my perfect outward appearance again. I started to lose a little steam halfway through the run remembering I forgot to drink water or eat. For a moment I thought, okay first day back maybe I can give myself a break and turn around here and get some water and food before barre class.
Then my inner critic snapped back at me: “are you kidding, you haven’t exercised in over a week, and you haven’t made it to the top of the trail yet. It doesn’t count if you don’t make it to the top!” I started to run faster and I made it to the top of the trail. Glancing at my watch I realized I was cutting it short on time to make it to the barre class. So, I started sprinting down the trail dogging rocks until one rock caught my foot flinging my body forward but holding onto my foot and ankle causing me to do a somersault and roll down the hill.
As I sat with my foot in the stream realizing I definitely was not making it to barre class now. I sat there waiting for someone to hopefully come by. Finally I saw a volunteer crew working on the trail come through with a golf cart. I yelled and flagged them over. They were kind and helped me to their cart and I asked if they could give me a ride back. Then one of them got on their walkie talkie and before I knew paramedics had arrived to put me on a stretcher. I sat their begging them not to put me in the ambulance and that I was fine to drive (total lie, I couldn’t’ even walk). As they had me on the stretcher a bus full of kids on a field trip piled out just in time to watch me being loaded into the ambulance. I was mortified thinking now how am I supposed to exercise!
Depending on productivity to give us the feeling that we are safe, worthy of love, and can finally rest, can be damaging to our health.
The fear side of productivity is feeling weak or unworthy if we rest. Feeling guilty if we rest. Even when we are recovering from a major injury or illness.
Never really present with how we are feeling and what we are truly needing. Focused on where we are not or what we are not doing, feeling guilty.
When you finally allow yourself to rest it can sometimes feel so painful in your body because you become conscious and connected to your body and feel how you have neglected and forced to keep going out of fear.
As a mother and business owner I am constantly thinking about what things I need to do and I know when I push myself too far and don’t rest, my body burns out, like my back will always give out and then I can’t do anything at all which is serving no one.
Rest is necessary for growth, healing and our wellbeing. When we are not resting due to fear this is what is so toxic for us.
What I wished I would have done:
Had compassion for myself for coming back from a week long emotional healing trip. Allowed myself to drink water, have a bite of food, and walk and hike and be present with nature. Not plan another exercise after the hike and be able to reflect on how I was feeling.
Instead I let my fearful part of my inner critic start cracking the whip at me having me fear if I didn’t keep acting this way I would gain weight, no one would love me, I would fail.
Out of this reflect I like to think about which option would have been helpful for me long term as far as what would make me more successful, happy and healthy. It’s obvious which option would have been helpful.
Here are some signs that you are slipping into over productivity, aka toxic productivity:
1) Anxious thoughts about “falling behind” or things falling apart or you’re going to fail.
2) You feel fatigue, pain in your body, your body is aching because it needs rest.
3) You are feeling very emotional and very edgy – emotionally reactive to people >> which can even go as far as a panic attack.
When you feel yourself slipping into toxic productivity, here are three practices to help prevent you from slipping all the way and reclaim your power and agency.
1.) Take a moment to breathe. 3-Point breath practice. (Walk them through that.)
2.) Check in with the thoughts are in your mind. Are there fearful thoughts? If so, acknowledge these. Then check in whether they are actually true. Sometimes they are less scary when you address them. (Give runner’s story example.)
3.) What would be the better thing to do right now? Get in touch with what your body needs. Check in with your body. Is it tired? Thirsty? Hungry? How can you nurture yourself in that moment?
*BONUS: Ask yourself, “What’s the worst thing that can happen if you don’t do the thing you were pushing yourself to do?”
Thank you for listening! I hope you found all of this information so helpful for you on your journey. To find out more about my work supporting women with these topics and to join our monthly community calls where you can ask me questions please visit my website: teresacoltrin.com.
